variety, the redux (part deux)

in the spirit of this newfound, more balanced life perspective, i want to share a couple thoughts:

-no matter how tempted you are, tickets to see charlie sheen smoke and bitch are not worth it, especially at $750 a piece

-no matter how irrelevant it may seem, giving up scotch for lent? it's the pits, man.

-no matter how hard i try to defend the political and social stance i've taken my whole life, it's time to admit that i'm wrong. gay marriage should and needs to be legalized. now. you see, throughout the most cognitive portions of my life, i've been of the thought that, while gay and lesbian couples should have every right guaranteed that any straight couple would, the term "marriage" was just off limits. after watching mere minutes, and passing ones at that, of the bachelor this week, i have to say that any aspect of marriage i felt too sacred to change is gone. if we can make a spectacle of manufactured romance and fake reality with 20 roses being given out, all culminating in what is supposed to be, even if only for shear entertainment value, an honest marriage proposal? if the assholes behind nbc can make a spectacle of marriage, let the gays and lesbians have it. honestly. i have some really great friends that are gay and i would trust them in any way possible 7 days a week over any single contestant that has ever been on any reality dating show. (that is, of course, with the exception of arnold schwarzenegger.) so, really, i've simply been wrong. my own insecurities about the rate at which our culture is evolving precluded me from supporting a cause i now have come to accept is, really, just fine. i don't have to agree with their lifestyle to know they're better people than any douchebag that's handing out or being handed a rose on national television. let them marry, it's only right.

variety, the redux

it seems like all my life i've done everything all wrong, or at least tried to.

it would be disingenuous and merely placating for me to blame it on or imply the blame could be a result of my personal and familial disadvantages growing up or the million socioeconomic factors in constant flux throughout my childhood.

you see, if i bitch about that, on the flip side of that coin, there's another person, just like me, who grew up in similar circumstances, and is now either successful or not but not complaining about a single card they were dealt.

a losing hand is still a hand. and mine has certainly won more than it's lost.

so it's not that.

and, really, what "it" is doesn't even matter, because i'm beginning to realize that every single choice i've ever made has brought me to where i'm at right now. like it or not, i can't live someone else's life...i have to live my own. after all, no one can but me.

so then the only question is where is "here" and when is "right now" exactly?

let's examine.

i'm sort of an asshole.

you see, even at my very worst, which god knows has been terribly low in regard to acceptable behavior and overall moral trajectory, i've still done some pretty damn terrific things. so, if you'll humor me, at my worst i'm still a hell of a lot better in judgment and general social direction than mostly any other pool sample you'll collect in a random test. (i say that because if you're comparing me to a group of seminary students on charity leave to build plumbing and crude electric infrastructure in a third world...fuck off.)

and i know that sounds horribly self-indulgent, so you'll just have to trust when i say that for years i have beaten myself up over feeling guilty and wishing for the chance to press the "reset" on so many things, and it took someone really close to me a considerable amount of effort to show me just how mistaken i was. "so far beyond decent," they said. so let's, for the sake of playing devil's advocate, dumb that down to just "decent" and call it a wash.

so how can even a "decent" person at the same time be an asshole?

first you need to understand why my previously mentioned friend would even call me "decent" in the first place.

"you have an enormous heart, bigger than probably any i've ever seen."

if that's true in the positive sense, so it must be in the negative.

my friend was right and i do, in many ways, have a big, open heart, and i suppose that's probably more of a good thing than bad, but that doesn't mean it's always clear skies and open arms. sometimes it's dark and pretty fucking gloomy.

so, back to that point, how can a "decent" person with an open heart still be an asshole?

because the door swings both ways.

for every person i've ever helped and genuinely cared about that the rest of the world ignored, there are two more popular people i've pissed off or, i mean, really, pissed on. and believe me when i say there's nothing noble in helping those less fortunate if you're not still, at the same time, willing to help those as fortunate or more than you at any given time. contrary to what bill maher implied in his awesomely satirical and witty documentary, jesus didn't only love poor people. he didn't hate rich people. he loved people. well, people that loved, anyway.

and that's the lesson, folks.

i'm a decent guy that's done some really cool things in my life, had a bit of success and maybe helped a lot of people way less fortunate, but i'm also an asshole because i've never really cared about being solid for most of the people who were solid for me.

and it's nothing nearly as dramatic as i'm describing, i'm sure.

these words will fade in obscurity and, if at all, be remembered as mere late-night rambling. you see, it's not lifelong or any sort of character deficiency.

it's a couple years of, for lack of a better term, pretty shitty behavior. great highs where you love me and deep lows where you wonder why i just don't care.

it's inconsistency.

and that is how a decent person can be an asshole.

while i've sort of been dipping my feet in the pool of fixing that behavioral trend over the past few weeks, i need to get back to being my old "all-in or all-out" self. for all the effort i've put in, and i have, i've still failed to really accept just how personally affecting it can be for someone else in my life when i refuse to open that closed-off heart back up.

it ends tonight.

and that statement sounds so much more dramatic than it needs to, but it's simple. point blank.

from now on, that's all you'll get. nothing more. and, more importantly, nothing less.

so much on the plate

the subject really says it all.

there's just so much going on right now and i've got to keep focused.

but i'll leave you with this thought...

"a weight-loss book written by physicists would consist of one sentence: consume calories at a lower rate than your body burns them."

between the lines?

we were all put here on this rock with so very specific talents and passions and, at the end of the day, we're all just looking to get by, but we're all so scared of failure and reaching at straws, grasping for the best, easiest, most guaranteed solutions to our problems.

get back to the basics of being yourself and the rest will follow.

i love me some false condescension

a wise person once told me, "when you've got that 'it' factor, you can afford to be a little more patient and a little more humble than the next person."

speak softly and carry a big stick, so to speak.

now, while i could spend hours making my case to said "mentor" and arguing that the "it" factor they so flatteringly referred to me having has never and won't ever be a quality i see in myself, the simple fact is, whether i see it or not, they do. and, so they said, everyone around me does, too.

as humbly as possible, let me explore.

what is "it" anyway?

if not found in the tangibles of our lives, it's then one of those "intangibles" you so often hear about from sports commentators and prognosticators of all sorts.

the ten million analysts clogging every media outlet have made the term so cliche it often loses its meaning and, like any other overused term, should probably be omitted for a few years until we appreciate it enough to use it properly, sparingly.

but the problem is, even if you can't see it, feel it, grasp it, those so very "intangible" qualities are still there, and you have to call them something, right?

so there we are, or there, or here, i am, albeit against my willing description, with that damned intangible, that "it" factor.

so if i've got it, then i can afford to walk with a little more patience, right?

so much easier said than done.

try hard as i may, i'll never be able to control the obnoxious acts or behavior of others, so any indiscretions as a result of them or their insecurities in my presence are and will never be my fault.

sadly, though, any haste in my reaction to such acts, indiscretions, obnoxious behavior and general lack of consideration or compassion, resulting in inconsideration or lack of compassion or general decency is and will always be my fault.

so then there it is, that giant fucking 800lb gorilla in the room. it's my responsibility.

that's something i'm figuring out as i get older, i guess, that human nature is, at it's worst and sadly, perhaps, most common, to deceive, to annoy, to instigate, to envy, to betray.

and, if that's true, just how could this world get any worse?

"in its last hour, the world will be saved from itself by the Lord, our God."

...

...

...and we're still waiting.

so if what i've realized is true then, so it would seem, no one is coming for us. there's no greater salvation, or just maybe not yet.

it's up to us to save each other.

...even those we otherwise might let sink on their own.

holding on to the phone, holding on to this glass

the overwhelming sense of joy and re-dedication to good will are thick this time of year, and i suppose that's really a good thing.

and to most people that "thick" is in the very best sense.

to most people, it's the warm and comforting feeling they look back on fondly and remember from their childhood, that they admired in old black & white movies while sipping hot cocoa by the fire.

but, you see, i'm sort of the odd man out.

to me, it's thick enough to choke on.

and that's how i've found myself feeling these past few weeks.

while there are many things weighing heavily on my mind and spirit of late anyway and i could and, perhaps, should take said concerns and circumstances into account before generalizing, i stand by that feeling, that this holiday season has been particularly hard to enjoy.

one thing i've always found dishearteningly fake and annoyingly indulgent is the examination of every little thing in our lives, the notion that everything is connected and the thought that, should everything truly be connected and due, in any amount or relevance, to a greater plan or being, that it's somehow interesting to put on microscopes for glasses and read between the lines.

(a couple things should be noted here. regardless of how that last statement may have sounded, i do have strong christian faith and do, in fact, believe that there is a greater agenda for the general order of things.)

it's not that you're indulgent or that i find you disheartening if you believe in a higher purpose or interconnection, the sort of string-theory binding all of us as cohabitants on this strangely familiar world. it's that i find it indulgent to believe that the greatest purpose and absolute paramount agenda is for us all to be happy. it's indulging in the end result without putting in the work to get there.

and when i look around, honestly, that's just what i see these days.

i see people caring more about getting for themselves or asking others for the newest, most expensive jeans than replacing the holy, worn ones of someone less fortunate just a few miles down the road.

i see the families crowding the big-box stores and feeling entitled, owed that absolute lowest price and throwing tantrums when they're out or fighting over the last of any specific deal, of which, fiscally speaking, there are far too many.

i see the lifted, mud-flap-carrying trucks parked in handicap spots without placards and the drivers laughing it off as they key their alarm and head inside.

i look around this time of year and, quite simply, lose a little bit of faith in humanity.

and that's a pretty lonely stance to take, but it's mine.

you see, i'm not the nicest or best person and, truly, not even close. it's not that i'm any better or worse, just different. and it's those differences that make it hard for me this time of year and always have.

i find that i have no admiration for those who do good this time of year and let the remaining days and weeks and months slide, for i was raised to do good and be right and good and true in every step in the long walk of my life, to put others before myself every day, not just a select few each year.

it is with this closest of examinations that i have found within myself, perhaps, the greatest disconnect, that which has only grown over the years.

maybe it's me.

maybe it's my own unrealistic expectations and ideals that are suffocating me on the crowded city streets and in the flooded shopping lanes and lines.

and holding myself most accountable, judging myself by the absolute strictest rules, doesn't make it any better. even if i am my own harshest critic and strive every day to be the best i can be, i'll never be any better than those in which i have found disdain, disgust and distrust for breaking those very same rules i choose not to.

perhaps, casting my eyes upon you and yours is really, in the end, shining the most light on me.

for all of the attention i've paid this holiday season to the negativity and disappointing behavior all around, it seems i've missed some of the most beautiful, most self-less, most endearing moments of humanity in plain sight.

while focusing on the inconsiderate bastard parked in that handicap spot, perhaps i missed the college kids singing carols outside the store to raise money for a local charity.

while focusing on the crowds rushing by in shopping lanes and bumping me with their carts, however justified i may in fact be for getting put off by someone who looks and/or smells as if they haven't showered in months running their cart over my foot, perhaps i missed the little boy riding on his father's shoulders, excited to pick out that special gift for his mother.

while focusing on the fake small-talk we all are unfortunately subjected to, perhaps i've missed the sincerity in that person honestly concerned and putting their best efforts into caring for those around them.

i'm a hard person to reach when i've got my mask on, as those who know me well will agree, but it's because of one the rare people who somehow sees past it that i'm typing these words and, most importantly, reminding myself of this lesson. while words are just that and all that matters is whether they hold true and remain in sight, this realization in itself has not been taken lightly, nor will i ever forget it. for that, i thank you.

it's hard admitting you're wrong sometimes. but so much harder still to actually correct those wrongs. for now, i can only try.

i often wonder who set out these rules, who wrote the words for all the parts we used to play. and perhaps the concepts are simple enough to understand, but even the smartest of us are dumb sometimes.

"they make it look so easy, connecting to another human being. it's like no one ever told them it's the hardest thing in the world." and that's just how i've always felt.

but maybe, and perhaps hopefully, i'm wrong.

for lack of a proper title

There’s something to be said for providence.

Not the city or term in reference to wine and vintner authenticity, though the second definition is closer to my point.

But in the sense of the true value of something in reference to its original, and original meaning rightful, place as compared to the relative value of the same thing in other places or circumstances.

However simpler or greater the logistical benefits or losses elsewhere, the value of something is always greater in its rightful, fated place.

Since coming into the knowledge of this concept, I’ve made it my point to find the providence in my own life.

So much easier said than done.

Should I stay or should I go? Should I jump the gun and follow the paycheck or chase the dream and pay my dues?

These are the questions I’ve spent weeks asking myself. Answers plenty, but still I found myself unsure.

Who knew what would happen next?

It was another sunny afternoon and I was just walking to the sound of my favorite tune. Tomorrow never knows what it doesn’t know too soon.

Now I need a little time to wake up.

The providence, it seems, is to get back in touch with my roots before planting any of my own, get back to knowing myself and where I’ve come from before I run too fast, too far to remember. The providence in my life is in finally accepting the role I was born to play, if only characteristically for now.

So this one’s for you. Though we weren’t nearly as close as we could have or maybe should have been, you were always connected through connection. I came from her, she came from you.

Connection by connection.

Providence sighted, I’m on my way.

I’ll chase after my dreams and wherever I land, I know I’ll meet you again someday, somewhere along the way.

For now, rest in peace.

one last go

i'm closing my eyes and picturing what it is i really am picturing at this point, nothing.

i can stare into the deep void of apparently empty space filling the shadows inside my mind and almost disregard the truth, that there's just so much more to it.

and that's something i've always found most fascinating about the universe we've somehow come along in. the black void we see as empty space is actually anything but.

it's the dark matter we just can't see with our eyes.

the past few weeks have found me depressed in ways i can't describe but not because i haven't tried. though, perhaps i was trying in all the wrong ways.

i've spent considerable effort throwing off the possible, ignoring the potential, dismissing the predetermined. i've spent considerable effort focusing on the very cold, hard logistics of it all, accepting the reality that has become my life, somehow.

i can close my eyes and feel the webs spinning all around me. i can close my eyes and bask in the glow of the plans and hopes and dreams you've all had and tried to live through me. i can close my eyes and picture myself succeeding and then just do it.

but the potential, the possible, the predetermined, it's all every bit the charade as any apparent void i choose to accept instead.

there was a fork in the road and i took the other way.

who knows how long ago it happened or how or why. the perfect storm of circumstance came and left without us ever hearing the bang. what's left is this.

one last go.

i'm exhausted.

but, for now, i'm alive. i'm awake. and i'm on the move.

so throw your ears to the wall and listen for that shred of hope. back me and i'll give it one last go.

trust in me and i'll finish the fight.

just know it's not for me, but you.

i'll go until i stop.

i'll do it for you.

i'll do it on fumes.