do you want to know a secret?

i'm just going to toss this out there. i like listening to taylor swift.

...i know.

blondes

"there's something disarming about a beautiful girl in the california sun." it's a line from ch13 in MAKEGOOD. and it's just so fucking true. behind every great man, there's a great woman. it's cliche, but cliche because it's accurate more than it's not. i met Sara Bareilles once in the SF bay. talk about a prime example of my point. talented, smart, humble and beautiful, this girl just had it. that quality you just can't describe. on paper, she's great. out in the world, she's just better. put this girl on a stage and i swear the world is better for it. fast forward a few years and i'm feeling the same way but even more. there's this girl i know. she grew up in a small town in the middle of rural new england. she was born and raised in a working middle class family and has worked her whole life for what she has and what she's wanted, even listens to country music. she stayed in new england for college and she's about to become an elementary school teacher. now, i know girls in la, nyc, boston, vegas, girls who are doctors and lawyers, actresses and models, i even know a girl who wants to be president and probably will. so a small town teacher from the sticks in new hampshire stands out? incredibly. someone once asked me why and i had all the usual, cliche answers you'd get in the closing dialogue of a romantic comedy. you know, the scene where the two that were meant to be together finally realize it. if you ask me now, the answer's simple. i'm better this way.

she's the missing piece to the fucked up puzzle that's me. for a million reasons i know and millions more i'll never understand, when my head hits the pillow and hers is nearby, i'm the man i always could have, would have and should have been. it all just adds up.

i'm better this way.

q&a

a close friend and industry insider, who wishes to remain anonymous (you're so cool), has been helping me during the process, giving feedback, listening to me vent and all that. she put her business shoes on, i guess, and sent me a pseudo-interview. here goes nothing...

q1 - what inspired you to write the book?

a - life, love and the ups and downs that come with both, i guess. there are so many emotions i still haven't even figured out, so much life still left to live, but i kept going back to the past. my memories and feelings and everything...they'd just keep coming up like roadblocks in the path i was trying to take away from it all. i had gone through so much and just left it all behind me without really trying. but there was more to it than that. i had something to say about it. i had to get that message out, somehow. even if no one ever read it. i just started writing.

q2 - the voice behind the story seems so personal and the main character seems so real. how much of the experience in the book is yours?

a - it's definitely pretty honest. good or bad, it's me. i mean, i didn't kill myself. god didn't bring me back from the dead and plant me back on earth for a second go at it. but it feels like that. the characters are all very real. the setting is very real. the plot, while obviously fiction, is very personal, very closely based.

q3 - is there a message you're hoping your readers will take away from your story?

a - actions matter, not intentions. but it's never too late to make things right. keep your heart open because you never know how life will open back up those wounds and let you try again.

q4 - is there meaning to the title aside from the textbook, business definition?

a - i could say something a little corny or a little contrived here, i think. if i try to make too much of it, it won't stay real. so...no. so much happened that was right and wrong. i made and gained just as much as i lost. i hurt as many people as i learned to love. the pieces are broken all around me. for whatever's left, this is my makegood. it's all i've got to offer.

q5 - how hard was it to relive your past and life experiences?

a - honestly, that was the easiest part. dreams and flashbacks are a significant part of the story. and they're real to me. i can close my eyes and see the streets i used to drive on. i can taste all the foods i used to eat. i can smell the thick, smog in the air. los angeles has this way of just getting under your skin. the memories and emotions i pulled away from that time of my life are just the same. reliving it was as simple as closing my eyes.

q6 - who/what do you think has had the most influence on your writing?

a - my father. easy. i mean, the story has nothing to do with him. but he's been there my entire life and, every step of the way, he's encouraged me to write. even the theme of the story has to be attributed to him, in so many ways. through all the fuck-ups, he's always been there telling me i'm better than i fear, stronger than i hope and more loved than i can imagine.

q7 - will there be a sequel?

a - absolutely not. i barely made it out of this one alive. the follow-up is in the works, though. i've got a couple ways to go with it, too. i've had a cookbook in the works for a while (MAKE HER BITE). i'll probably focus on that. i've also got another novel in mind that i think will be pretty epic. so i really have no idea what my next move will be. but no sequel. promise.

that took forever. but i can't imagine the interviews and questions will get any easier from here on out. i wish i could pull the Ghost Man card like when you're a kid on a sandlot playing stickball. "ghost man on third!" and he'll address all future questions/concerns. that's all, thanks.

query

sent the first batch of query letters out this weekend. not sure which agency i'll end up with, but i'm getting a lot of positive feedback and i'm excited for what's next. it's intense in a way i've never felt before. i'm taking the next step and the rest of my life begins here, now. i can see it. i can feel it. in each fucking breath, i feel it.

i never wanted to be a writer...

i guess there are worse things.

victorino

i met the devil in poughkeepsie, new york. he took a seat right beside me at the end of the bar. he said i looked familiar and asked if we had met some time before. i drank with the devil in poughkeepsie, new york. i confessed i hadn't prayed to God since 2008 and he said, "oh, kid, you should try again. you know, before it's too late." i asked him where my soul would go if i just dropped dead today. he smiled and said, "you've got some good friends waiting for you at the gates." hallelujah. he said, "just say the word and i'll give you fame and fancy whores. or would you rather die a simple man, just honest and poor?" i said, "well, at least now i know who my real friends are and i can't ask for much more." i thanked the devil for my drinks and made my way for the door.

hallelujah.

-victorino.

birthday

so today i'm 24. dinner, maybe drinks. nothing special planned but truly enjoying a respite with my favorite person in the world. next year? i'll be celebrating 25 with a thru-hike on the app. trail. book it.

frozen

for as long as i can remember, i've had this problem. i love seeing movies when they're still new and in theaters, but i almost always end up reading the entire synopsis of a film before i get a chance to see it. it's a love/hate thing, i think. i didn't read up on the sixth sense, though, and i'm proud of that. somehow, it helps the story just as often as it hurts it. edge of darkness was a pretty intense film with a lot to take in, not just a single "good guy/bad guy" theme. reading up on the plot ahead of seeing it, i paid more attention to the characters i wanted to. kind of cool, kind of not. every now and again, i run across a film i want to see and can't find the plot for. wikipedia lets us all down sometimes, i guess. i've been searching for the plot of FROZEN for months now. it came out probably 3 months ago and the only spoilers i have found are regarding the special effects. lame. being an indie film with the shittiest distribution i've ever seen, i don't think there was a single theater in all of New England that played it. so 3 months go by and i'm still googling for spoilers, a synopsis, anything other than the same fucking trailer i've watched at least 20 times. i'm not sure how i got this far on the topic of movie spoilers but it begs the question...do i just hate surprises? maybe. even my girlfriend kind of just gave in, gave me my birthday (it's tomorrow) presents a few days ahead of the date. i'm probably reading too much into this . i think we're all just naturally curious. besides, if a story's really good, and i mean told well and in a manner which connects to you personally, you can know the ending and still get sucked in by the meat of it in the middle. which brings me back to what i was doing before typing this up. have. to. finish. this. fucking. book.

tiger woods

tiger woods is on tv and i'm sitting here working on the novel.

trying to, anyway.

but i'm finding the parallels between the situation he's in and the one i left in los angeles.

now i've lost my focus.

time for the fundamentals, the list of steps to guide me through the process when i've lost my way.

and it's such an incredible process, i think, writing a book, and maybe because it's just so fucking dangerous. makegood works best as a story when i let it all just hang out there. no reservations. no regrets. that's easier said than done. which is how i'm viewing the tiger woods situation. look, i had no respect for the man before everything went down, so my opinion could and should be biased. i should have even less respect now, think he's just some horrible person now, a horrible role model, blah blah blah, all the same shit you heard for months after his wife chased him out of his house with a golf club. but i don't feel that way at all. somehow, starting with little to no respect for the man, i'm coming out of this with, at the very least, empathy. i've been there. granted, my indiscretions were sparked by, fueled by and revealed by addiction, drugs, and all that goes with it. but i've stood where he's standing. i've had all the layers peeled back and stood there naked for the world to see without any explanation or abilitiy to respond. and i came out better than i went in. does he mean the apology he speaks now? who knows. but no one is better than anyone else in this world. and few have ever even worn those shoes. i have. and all i can say is give the guy a break. give it time. actions speak louder than words and his behavior will or won't get better from this point forward. but show some respect for him, his family and for yourself.