one last go

i'm closing my eyes and picturing what it is i really am picturing at this point, nothing.

i can stare into the deep void of apparently empty space filling the shadows inside my mind and almost disregard the truth, that there's just so much more to it.

and that's something i've always found most fascinating about the universe we've somehow come along in. the black void we see as empty space is actually anything but.

it's the dark matter we just can't see with our eyes.

the past few weeks have found me depressed in ways i can't describe but not because i haven't tried. though, perhaps i was trying in all the wrong ways.

i've spent considerable effort throwing off the possible, ignoring the potential, dismissing the predetermined. i've spent considerable effort focusing on the very cold, hard logistics of it all, accepting the reality that has become my life, somehow.

i can close my eyes and feel the webs spinning all around me. i can close my eyes and bask in the glow of the plans and hopes and dreams you've all had and tried to live through me. i can close my eyes and picture myself succeeding and then just do it.

but the potential, the possible, the predetermined, it's all every bit the charade as any apparent void i choose to accept instead.

there was a fork in the road and i took the other way.

who knows how long ago it happened or how or why. the perfect storm of circumstance came and left without us ever hearing the bang. what's left is this.

one last go.

i'm exhausted.

but, for now, i'm alive. i'm awake. and i'm on the move.

so throw your ears to the wall and listen for that shred of hope. back me and i'll give it one last go.

trust in me and i'll finish the fight.

just know it's not for me, but you.

i'll go until i stop.

i'll do it for you.

i'll do it on fumes.

friendship, forged through broken bones and tragedy

There was this moment when we first met and I can’t let it go. I just can’t let go. You’re standing there and so am I. We’re two people enjoying this perfect imperfect moment together but in completely different worlds. You’re young and beautiful and have this future ahead of you and I’m this jaded, lost soul adrift in a storm at sea and longing for shore. I’m floating but barely and the waves keep rushing over me and this endless barrage of wind and water and debris is crashing into me, crushing but keeping me alive somehow. This endless barrage of wind and water and debris that I see is nothing more than the circumstances surrounding me, all caused by bad decisions and provoked through months and years of insecurities and indiscretions and weakness. Then there’s this moment when I look up and the sun comes out with a smile on your face. And I just know I’m safe. But in the way that reminds me with each second that it could all fade at any second, the clouds come back, the wind picks up, the waves crash with the tide that tries to drown me. And I’m standing there waiting but tomorrow never comes. I’m just rescued. But I can’t help looking back. Once you’re in that storm, there’s no going back. You’re affected. And you effect. From that point, you spend the rest of your life pulling and pushing, fighting and hiding, living and dying. With every second, with each breath, you lose more and more of yourself. Before long, there isn’t much left. You’re alive and safe and have this wonderful future ahead but can’t get past the past and all the pain you’ve felt. You’re alive and safe but your own weaknesses prevent you from living. You’ve been saved but you’re still dying. And this is how it goes. It’s mostly all the same from that point forward. So how do you move on from that? Once you’ve been to the show, you’ve seen the strings. And it only gets harder to enjoy yourself over time. But not for lack of enthuse. But because you’re alone. And you know you are. You’ve felt that utter lack of completion, that end without anything right or good or true. And you just know you’re alone in that endless fucking ocean and lost in that storm. You know when leaves fall, if it means anything, it just means you’re dead. You know when snow falls it means your feet just flew over your head. It’s just Jamestown, 94-West and a forty hour train back to Penn. I can’t pretend I don’t feel the break but I feel the bend. I can’t fucking believe this joke has gotten out of hand. Get us to the hospital. So we can spill and share these quiet things that no one ever knows. There’s no set back that can set me back. The punch is wearing thin. So pull the pin and throw it back.

8.13.10

We saw the western coast. I saw the hospital and nursed the shoreline like a wound. The reports of lovers’ trysts were neither clear or descript. We kept it safe and slow. They’re the quiet things that no one ever knows. So keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. If today’s the day it gets tired then today’s the day we drop out. I gave up my body and bed all for an empty hotel. I’m just wasting words on lower cases and capitals. I contemplate the day we wed. Your friends are boring me to death and your veil is ruined in the rain. By then it’s you I could do without because there’s just nothing new to talk about. Even though our kids are blessed, their parents let them shoulder all the blame. So keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. If today’s the day it gets tired then today’s the gay we drop out. I gave up my body and bed all for an empty hotel. I’m just wasting words on lower cases and capitals. These are the quiet things that no one ever knows.