friendship, forged through broken bones and tragedy

There was this moment when we first met and I can’t let it go. I just can’t let go. You’re standing there and so am I. We’re two people enjoying this perfect imperfect moment together but in completely different worlds. You’re young and beautiful and have this future ahead of you and I’m this jaded, lost soul adrift in a storm at sea and longing for shore. I’m floating but barely and the waves keep rushing over me and this endless barrage of wind and water and debris is crashing into me, crushing but keeping me alive somehow. This endless barrage of wind and water and debris that I see is nothing more than the circumstances surrounding me, all caused by bad decisions and provoked through months and years of insecurities and indiscretions and weakness. Then there’s this moment when I look up and the sun comes out with a smile on your face. And I just know I’m safe. But in the way that reminds me with each second that it could all fade at any second, the clouds come back, the wind picks up, the waves crash with the tide that tries to drown me. And I’m standing there waiting but tomorrow never comes. I’m just rescued. But I can’t help looking back. Once you’re in that storm, there’s no going back. You’re affected. And you effect. From that point, you spend the rest of your life pulling and pushing, fighting and hiding, living and dying. With every second, with each breath, you lose more and more of yourself. Before long, there isn’t much left. You’re alive and safe and have this wonderful future ahead but can’t get past the past and all the pain you’ve felt. You’re alive and safe but your own weaknesses prevent you from living. You’ve been saved but you’re still dying. And this is how it goes. It’s mostly all the same from that point forward. So how do you move on from that? Once you’ve been to the show, you’ve seen the strings. And it only gets harder to enjoy yourself over time. But not for lack of enthuse. But because you’re alone. And you know you are. You’ve felt that utter lack of completion, that end without anything right or good or true. And you just know you’re alone in that endless fucking ocean and lost in that storm. You know when leaves fall, if it means anything, it just means you’re dead. You know when snow falls it means your feet just flew over your head. It’s just Jamestown, 94-West and a forty hour train back to Penn. I can’t pretend I don’t feel the break but I feel the bend. I can’t fucking believe this joke has gotten out of hand. Get us to the hospital. So we can spill and share these quiet things that no one ever knows. There’s no set back that can set me back. The punch is wearing thin. So pull the pin and throw it back.

8.13.10

We saw the western coast. I saw the hospital and nursed the shoreline like a wound. The reports of lovers’ trysts were neither clear or descript. We kept it safe and slow. They’re the quiet things that no one ever knows. So keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. If today’s the day it gets tired then today’s the day we drop out. I gave up my body and bed all for an empty hotel. I’m just wasting words on lower cases and capitals. I contemplate the day we wed. Your friends are boring me to death and your veil is ruined in the rain. By then it’s you I could do without because there’s just nothing new to talk about. Even though our kids are blessed, their parents let them shoulder all the blame. So keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. If today’s the day it gets tired then today’s the gay we drop out. I gave up my body and bed all for an empty hotel. I’m just wasting words on lower cases and capitals. These are the quiet things that no one ever knows.

aces in their places

stress and pressure, they're funny things.

few people understand it the way a quarterback does.

let me explain.

two examples of this point are both quarterbacks in the nfl but they couldn't be more different. tom brady is a three-time superbowl champion and potentially the best quarterback in nfl history. and brodie croyle? he's with a kansas city chiefs backing up the former back-up for tom brady.

tom brady was drafted out of the university of michigan in the sixth round of the 2000 draft, 199th overall. coming out of college, he was the fourth-string quarterback for the new england patriots behind drew bledsoe and two other names you've never heard of. by the end of his rookie season, he only took three snaps under center and only completed one pass. but he earned the second-string spot. in his second year, two games into the season, bledsoe goes down hard with what gets discovered to be a collapsed lung and massive internal bleeding. brady steps in. and wins 11 of 14 games he starts that year. in his first playoff game, he throws 312 yards and overcomes a 10 point deficit in the 4th to win the game in overtime. he won the superbowl that year and was mvp, mostly due to a final drive to win the game without any timeouts left and roughly 60 yards in just about a minute of playing time. what happened throughout his career after that game is pretty common knowledge. the two additional superbowl wins, countless records shattered, supermodel wife, it's all there and you've heard it. but that final drive back in 2001 is what we're going to look at.

brodie croyle went to the university of alabama and was drafted in 2006 in the third round, 85th overall. coming out of college, he had some great expectations and loads of potential. in his senior year, he set the record for yards passing at alabama, won the cotton bowl and was co-mvp, and had one hell of a rocket for an arm. his rookie year in the nfl didn't have much playing time or action but he became the starter in his second year after damon huard went down. not much happened that year with the kansas city chiefs, in terms of winning. but the world learned a lot about brodie croyle in a similar situation to the one tom brady was in just six years before. no one expected croyle to do much with the fairly weak group around him but he had the pieces in place to at least put up some points. larry johnson in the backfield, a decent offensive line, dwayne bowe and sammie parker running receiver routes. he had some options. but in the second preseason game that year, he took two steps forward only to take three steps back minutes later.

tom brady had some options in the final drive of his first superbowl. he could run out the clock and put the game in the hands of his defensive teammates, who had held the "greatest show on turf" superbowl champion st. louis rams to only 17 points. he went the other way. before running out to the field, he went to his coach and said something great, "i want the ball. let's end this." in what could have been the first superbowl to go to overtime, one player decided to go all-in and win, not just play to not lose. the rest is history.

in brodie croyle's second year, in the second preseason game, he led the chiefs down the field with an impressive drive that led to a pretty epic touchdown pass. he had been competing with damon huard for the starting position all offseason and coach herm edwards challenged them both to "take the position" if they wanted it. this drive, croyle later said, was his response to his coach. but what happened next was key. on the following drive, with a chance to score and put the game away for a win, croyle dropped back from center. the same routes as before, dwayne bowe was wide open for the first down. even sammie parker was in coverage but ably open. croyle gets a little pressure as the pocket starts to collapse and rolls out to his left, somehow breaking a tackle and buying a couple extra seconds to scan the field. he rolls to his left and does a full 360 spin. at this point, sammie parker is open with the full field ahead of him empty and the endzone in sight. dwayne bowe has broken coverage and is easily a strong "checkdown" pass away for a first down. croyle has options and he's just broken two tackles and rolled out in the way you would have seen steve young do it years before. his next move? an impulsive throw immediately once out of the pocket that got intercepted. the game was over after an easy chip-shot field goal. he won and lost the game that day and on consecutive drives.

stress is a funny thing and few people understand it in the way quarterback does.

a cluster of three-hundred pound animals chasing you down, salivating at the chance to rip you apart, it's just something you don't get in the rest of the world.

tom brady and brodie croyle both saw it in those games. one performed. the other didn't.

it's the difference between running for your life, just dumping the ball off at the first opportunity and dropping back to a standstill, planting your feet, scanning the field, stepping into a pass, willing the ball where it needs to go. it's the difference between keeping your hand steady and letting it shake.

life is all about pressure, i think. it's all about how you handle it.

and i realized the other night, maybe for the first time, i'm getting older. and faster than i ever thought i would.

i'm at the point in my life where you start crossing things off the list, realizing there are things you'll just never get to do, men you'll just never get to become.

but i've got options.

and i just don't shake.

10 days later...which became 17...

there's a man i'll never get to know.

the man i was growing up to be.

he's the kind of guy you want to be around because he's just right.

even when he's wrong.

he's got the whole world ahead of him and all the opportunity in the world.

he's got the ambition to know what he wants and the drive to get there.

but he's also got the integrity to keep finding himself along the way.

i close my eyes and see him sometimes, though not as often as i used to. his absence is unbearable.

it makes me wonder what happens to all those hopes and dreams and ideals we find so easy to hold when we're still new and green.

i close and open my eyes and i'm there.

in a world where "jaded" is a thing of the past, we're all so much "happier."

billy's president. in fact, so is tommy. and mike. and jillian. there are three hundred twenty thousand presidents of the united states. the division of powers would be enough to choke on but the forty eight thousand constitutional lawyers and sixteen thousand executive branch secretaries and coordinators have it all under control.

we don't have to worry about health care because no one ever gets sick anymore. all our best scientists and doctors stopped working on the cures for hair loss and impotence and figured out the real shit. cancer's unheard of, unless you sign the "i'm a fucking idiot waiver" and choose to smoke. then you're fucked. and the baby-booming of the third world countries now not having to deal with disease is providing for a significant increase in a return to physical labor and manufacturing. but green, of course. always.

our schools and jails and welfare programs all realized that to reduce crime they'd have to work together in the same direction. schools have more community outreach for kids and get them more involved than ever before. jails teach inmates new skills and educate them at least through their GED, so they've got workplace skills and prospects. and welfare is limited and conditional. but it's all irrelevant now that there are only twenty two convicts left in the world, and only because they're stupid enough to steal cars in an age where alarms and gps are standard. recidivism is a bitch for those poor grand theft auto kids. crime is so low, in fact, that there's an emerging trend in which all locksmiths and lock manufacturers are getting laid off. it's troubling and something the thirty four thousand labor lawyers currently practicing will have to look into.

wal-mart went out of business two years ago and none of us noticed. with the global push for farmers markets and small business, the big chains are a thing of the past. farmers in nebraska earn as fair a living as lobstermen in maine. it's all subsidized and honest, fair trade.

the world's just so much better.

and we're all so much happier.

but not really.

i close my eyes and i miss the smog of la. it made me appreciate the beauty of this place.

i close my eyes and i miss the disgusting, fat-providing fast food on every street corner. it made me appreciate the independent cafes and creativity and ethics of great, rare restaurants.

i close my eyes and i miss the hilarity of impotence-pill commercials and hair loss creams. it made me appreciate how blessed i am to be young and healthy and virile.

i close my eyes and i miss the politics behind government. it made me appreciate the sometimes awkward, just kind of present balance between both sides of the aisle.

i close my eyes and i miss everything. the freedoms.

the freedom to rise. the freedom to fall.

the freedom to be right and good and true. the freedom to put yourself first and be right and good to and for you and what you want.

if everything's solved, what's left to fight for?

i open my eyes and i'm back in reality. i'm 24 years old. and i've got all the opportunity and promise ahead of me as i did when i was a kid. just a little less time to figure it out.

i'm alive and AWAKE and right. now.

and that's enough for me.

the suicide catcher

there's an article in this month's gq that profiles the yangtze river bridge in china and the high number of suicides committed by jumping from it each year.

it's in the thousands.

but then there's other number.

one.

one man.

the suicide catcher.

he stands and watches and waits.

when he sees someone about to take the leap, he pulls them back.

he brings them back to life.

he's not a cop. he's not employed by the city or state or even some local or global npo.

he's just a guy. and he's saved hundreds.

i promised myself i would make a difference this summer, if for no other reason than to show myself i still can.

i'm still trying to find my place and i know i will. but it might not be in the place you or i ever thought it would. i'm breaking down the doors and walls and tearing up every boundary i've ever set for myself.

i'm going to do this and i'm going it alone.

i'm on fire.

sunshine

"it takes eight minutes for light to travel from the sun to the earth.

all you have to do is look out for a little extra brightness in the sky. if you wake up one morning and it's a particularly beautiful day, you'll know we made it."

last night, out of nowhere, the clouds came in. the wind blew fast and angry. the rain started and never stopped. le déluge.

this morning, i was convinced it would be a shitty day. the clouds were hanging out to taunt us as we woke. the ground was soaked with water and mud and debris. the sun was just gone.

then it changed.

ten minutes ago, the breeze warms a bit, enough to notice and appreciate. the grass and trees green up and move, alive again. the sun comes out.

it's a tragic oversimplification to think of this as mere weather. i swear there's just so much more to it.

it's times like this that remind me of how lucky we all are. of how blessed i am. i'm alive. and you. and we get to enjoy it.

the thoughts sparked with conversations over tea and hot chocolate in the bay area with nareen and stephanie. thoughts and curious hypotheticals. if animals can think and know and love, can they then appreciate the beauty and wonder in the world that we see around us?

years later.

i'm in burlington.

it's not hypotheticals over coffee or tea anymore. i know it.

i look outside and i know it. you do when you see it.

in any part of the world, with any faith or culture, there's more to this morning than weather. it's more than a season.

you're walking down the street and the breeze picks up, just teases the hairs on your skin and cools your neck, beats against you in rhythm in step. the sun shines down and warms you in a way that feels like home.

there's more to this world than weather and seasons. there's more to it than the details we so often get wrapped up in. a tragic oversimplification.

the best parts of this world are in the subtle nuances, the insignificant things we don't care enough to notice.

take a walk. and open your eyes.

i'm alive. you're alive. and the world is around you, too.

there's just more to it.

absolution

how did i get here?

i realized today, only a bit ago, just how much my life has changed in the past year. i dig it.

i traded suits and ties for jeans and sambas.

i traded martinis and sushi for microbrews and subway.

midnight walks in the malibu sands and the california sun for lake champlain and random snowy nights in may.

smiles through teeth and an endless pretension for ugly and true and humble.

i traded the fast life in to slow it all down.

i dig it.

i never realized how different everything was until this afternoon. i see this young guy in a suit who reminds me of me and, for the first time, i don't miss it.

i don't need to have everyone tell me i'm successful and on the right path to know i am. the difference is so much more. i feel it.

and it makes no sense, trading in everything for nothing and on a whim. but it was so much easier, i think, because it was so much worse.

i didn't recognize the face i saw in the mirror. i hated my life and everything about the man i had become. i hated the city. i hated the people. i hated myself. i hit rock bottom.

i'll never forget what my father told me when i called him from a friend's couch on some random and otherwise entirely nondescript morning. "pick yourself up and i'll carry you."

the past year has been hard. i've met a lot of people and been in a lot of situations, some circumstantial, some deliberate, chosen. i've had a lot of reasons to keep looking back and tell myself to give in. just go home. go back.

for better, for worse, i stood my ground. i picked myself up. and maybe someone else did the heavy lifting from there. but i did it. i'm alive. and i choose.

i choose to live a better life.

i choose to put others and this world before myself. to keep humble and selfless.

i choose to love and just give in to it. i'm all in and in love and more committed than i've ever allowed myself to be.

i choose to lose myself in this novel, to keep writing until my fingers bleed from the tension and keep as honest and relative as i can. i will share this story and hope and love.

i choose to get back to being as ethical as possible in all things, small and big. in every decision. in every moment.

i choose to become my father's son again.

i choose to get back.

i'm home.

and i'm on fire.

watch me.