the overwhelming sense of joy and re-dedication to good will are thick this time of year, and i suppose that's really a good thing.
and to most people that "thick" is in the very best sense.
to most people, it's the warm and comforting feeling they look back on fondly and remember from their childhood, that they admired in old black & white movies while sipping hot cocoa by the fire.
but, you see, i'm sort of the odd man out.
to me, it's thick enough to choke on.
and that's how i've found myself feeling these past few weeks.
while there are many things weighing heavily on my mind and spirit of late anyway and i could and, perhaps, should take said concerns and circumstances into account before generalizing, i stand by that feeling, that this holiday season has been particularly hard to enjoy.
one thing i've always found dishearteningly fake and annoyingly indulgent is the examination of every little thing in our lives, the notion that everything is connected and the thought that, should everything truly be connected and due, in any amount or relevance, to a greater plan or being, that it's somehow interesting to put on microscopes for glasses and read between the lines.
(a couple things should be noted here. regardless of how that last statement may have sounded, i do have strong christian faith and do, in fact, believe that there is a greater agenda for the general order of things.)
it's not that you're indulgent or that i find you disheartening if you believe in a higher purpose or interconnection, the sort of string-theory binding all of us as cohabitants on this strangely familiar world. it's that i find it indulgent to believe that the greatest purpose and absolute paramount agenda is for us all to be happy. it's indulging in the end result without putting in the work to get there.
and when i look around, honestly, that's just what i see these days.
i see people caring more about getting for themselves or asking others for the newest, most expensive jeans than replacing the holy, worn ones of someone less fortunate just a few miles down the road.
i see the families crowding the big-box stores and feeling entitled, owed that absolute lowest price and throwing tantrums when they're out or fighting over the last of any specific deal, of which, fiscally speaking, there are far too many.
i see the lifted, mud-flap-carrying trucks parked in handicap spots without placards and the drivers laughing it off as they key their alarm and head inside.
i look around this time of year and, quite simply, lose a little bit of faith in humanity.
and that's a pretty lonely stance to take, but it's mine.
you see, i'm not the nicest or best person and, truly, not even close. it's not that i'm any better or worse, just different. and it's those differences that make it hard for me this time of year and always have.
i find that i have no admiration for those who do good this time of year and let the remaining days and weeks and months slide, for i was raised to do good and be right and good and true in every step in the long walk of my life, to put others before myself every day, not just a select few each year.
it is with this closest of examinations that i have found within myself, perhaps, the greatest disconnect, that which has only grown over the years.
maybe it's me.
maybe it's my own unrealistic expectations and ideals that are suffocating me on the crowded city streets and in the flooded shopping lanes and lines.
and holding myself most accountable, judging myself by the absolute strictest rules, doesn't make it any better. even if i am my own harshest critic and strive every day to be the best i can be, i'll never be any better than those in which i have found disdain, disgust and distrust for breaking those very same rules i choose not to.
perhaps, casting my eyes upon you and yours is really, in the end, shining the most light on me.
for all of the attention i've paid this holiday season to the negativity and disappointing behavior all around, it seems i've missed some of the most beautiful, most self-less, most endearing moments of humanity in plain sight.
while focusing on the inconsiderate bastard parked in that handicap spot, perhaps i missed the college kids singing carols outside the store to raise money for a local charity.
while focusing on the crowds rushing by in shopping lanes and bumping me with their carts, however justified i may in fact be for getting put off by someone who looks and/or smells as if they haven't showered in months running their cart over my foot, perhaps i missed the little boy riding on his father's shoulders, excited to pick out that special gift for his mother.
while focusing on the fake small-talk we all are unfortunately subjected to, perhaps i've missed the sincerity in that person honestly concerned and putting their best efforts into caring for those around them.
i'm a hard person to reach when i've got my mask on, as those who know me well will agree, but it's because of one the rare people who somehow sees past it that i'm typing these words and, most importantly, reminding myself of this lesson. while words are just that and all that matters is whether they hold true and remain in sight, this realization in itself has not been taken lightly, nor will i ever forget it. for that, i thank you.
it's hard admitting you're wrong sometimes. but so much harder still to actually correct those wrongs. for now, i can only try.
i often wonder who set out these rules, who wrote the words for all the parts we used to play. and perhaps the concepts are simple enough to understand, but even the smartest of us are dumb sometimes.
"they make it look so easy, connecting to another human being. it's like no one ever told them it's the hardest thing in the world." and that's just how i've always felt.
but maybe, and perhaps hopefully, i'm wrong.
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