variety, the redux (part deux)

in the spirit of this newfound, more balanced life perspective, i want to share a couple thoughts:

-no matter how tempted you are, tickets to see charlie sheen smoke and bitch are not worth it, especially at $750 a piece

-no matter how irrelevant it may seem, giving up scotch for lent? it's the pits, man.

-no matter how hard i try to defend the political and social stance i've taken my whole life, it's time to admit that i'm wrong. gay marriage should and needs to be legalized. now. you see, throughout the most cognitive portions of my life, i've been of the thought that, while gay and lesbian couples should have every right guaranteed that any straight couple would, the term "marriage" was just off limits. after watching mere minutes, and passing ones at that, of the bachelor this week, i have to say that any aspect of marriage i felt too sacred to change is gone. if we can make a spectacle of manufactured romance and fake reality with 20 roses being given out, all culminating in what is supposed to be, even if only for shear entertainment value, an honest marriage proposal? if the assholes behind nbc can make a spectacle of marriage, let the gays and lesbians have it. honestly. i have some really great friends that are gay and i would trust them in any way possible 7 days a week over any single contestant that has ever been on any reality dating show. (that is, of course, with the exception of arnold schwarzenegger.) so, really, i've simply been wrong. my own insecurities about the rate at which our culture is evolving precluded me from supporting a cause i now have come to accept is, really, just fine. i don't have to agree with their lifestyle to know they're better people than any douchebag that's handing out or being handed a rose on national television. let them marry, it's only right.

variety, the redux

it seems like all my life i've done everything all wrong, or at least tried to.

it would be disingenuous and merely placating for me to blame it on or imply the blame could be a result of my personal and familial disadvantages growing up or the million socioeconomic factors in constant flux throughout my childhood.

you see, if i bitch about that, on the flip side of that coin, there's another person, just like me, who grew up in similar circumstances, and is now either successful or not but not complaining about a single card they were dealt.

a losing hand is still a hand. and mine has certainly won more than it's lost.

so it's not that.

and, really, what "it" is doesn't even matter, because i'm beginning to realize that every single choice i've ever made has brought me to where i'm at right now. like it or not, i can't live someone else's life...i have to live my own. after all, no one can but me.

so then the only question is where is "here" and when is "right now" exactly?

let's examine.

i'm sort of an asshole.

you see, even at my very worst, which god knows has been terribly low in regard to acceptable behavior and overall moral trajectory, i've still done some pretty damn terrific things. so, if you'll humor me, at my worst i'm still a hell of a lot better in judgment and general social direction than mostly any other pool sample you'll collect in a random test. (i say that because if you're comparing me to a group of seminary students on charity leave to build plumbing and crude electric infrastructure in a third world...fuck off.)

and i know that sounds horribly self-indulgent, so you'll just have to trust when i say that for years i have beaten myself up over feeling guilty and wishing for the chance to press the "reset" on so many things, and it took someone really close to me a considerable amount of effort to show me just how mistaken i was. "so far beyond decent," they said. so let's, for the sake of playing devil's advocate, dumb that down to just "decent" and call it a wash.

so how can even a "decent" person at the same time be an asshole?

first you need to understand why my previously mentioned friend would even call me "decent" in the first place.

"you have an enormous heart, bigger than probably any i've ever seen."

if that's true in the positive sense, so it must be in the negative.

my friend was right and i do, in many ways, have a big, open heart, and i suppose that's probably more of a good thing than bad, but that doesn't mean it's always clear skies and open arms. sometimes it's dark and pretty fucking gloomy.

so, back to that point, how can a "decent" person with an open heart still be an asshole?

because the door swings both ways.

for every person i've ever helped and genuinely cared about that the rest of the world ignored, there are two more popular people i've pissed off or, i mean, really, pissed on. and believe me when i say there's nothing noble in helping those less fortunate if you're not still, at the same time, willing to help those as fortunate or more than you at any given time. contrary to what bill maher implied in his awesomely satirical and witty documentary, jesus didn't only love poor people. he didn't hate rich people. he loved people. well, people that loved, anyway.

and that's the lesson, folks.

i'm a decent guy that's done some really cool things in my life, had a bit of success and maybe helped a lot of people way less fortunate, but i'm also an asshole because i've never really cared about being solid for most of the people who were solid for me.

and it's nothing nearly as dramatic as i'm describing, i'm sure.

these words will fade in obscurity and, if at all, be remembered as mere late-night rambling. you see, it's not lifelong or any sort of character deficiency.

it's a couple years of, for lack of a better term, pretty shitty behavior. great highs where you love me and deep lows where you wonder why i just don't care.

it's inconsistency.

and that is how a decent person can be an asshole.

while i've sort of been dipping my feet in the pool of fixing that behavioral trend over the past few weeks, i need to get back to being my old "all-in or all-out" self. for all the effort i've put in, and i have, i've still failed to really accept just how personally affecting it can be for someone else in my life when i refuse to open that closed-off heart back up.

it ends tonight.

and that statement sounds so much more dramatic than it needs to, but it's simple. point blank.

from now on, that's all you'll get. nothing more. and, more importantly, nothing less.

so much on the plate

the subject really says it all.

there's just so much going on right now and i've got to keep focused.

but i'll leave you with this thought...

"a weight-loss book written by physicists would consist of one sentence: consume calories at a lower rate than your body burns them."

between the lines?

we were all put here on this rock with so very specific talents and passions and, at the end of the day, we're all just looking to get by, but we're all so scared of failure and reaching at straws, grasping for the best, easiest, most guaranteed solutions to our problems.

get back to the basics of being yourself and the rest will follow.

i love me some false condescension

a wise person once told me, "when you've got that 'it' factor, you can afford to be a little more patient and a little more humble than the next person."

speak softly and carry a big stick, so to speak.

now, while i could spend hours making my case to said "mentor" and arguing that the "it" factor they so flatteringly referred to me having has never and won't ever be a quality i see in myself, the simple fact is, whether i see it or not, they do. and, so they said, everyone around me does, too.

as humbly as possible, let me explore.

what is "it" anyway?

if not found in the tangibles of our lives, it's then one of those "intangibles" you so often hear about from sports commentators and prognosticators of all sorts.

the ten million analysts clogging every media outlet have made the term so cliche it often loses its meaning and, like any other overused term, should probably be omitted for a few years until we appreciate it enough to use it properly, sparingly.

but the problem is, even if you can't see it, feel it, grasp it, those so very "intangible" qualities are still there, and you have to call them something, right?

so there we are, or there, or here, i am, albeit against my willing description, with that damned intangible, that "it" factor.

so if i've got it, then i can afford to walk with a little more patience, right?

so much easier said than done.

try hard as i may, i'll never be able to control the obnoxious acts or behavior of others, so any indiscretions as a result of them or their insecurities in my presence are and will never be my fault.

sadly, though, any haste in my reaction to such acts, indiscretions, obnoxious behavior and general lack of consideration or compassion, resulting in inconsideration or lack of compassion or general decency is and will always be my fault.

so then there it is, that giant fucking 800lb gorilla in the room. it's my responsibility.

that's something i'm figuring out as i get older, i guess, that human nature is, at it's worst and sadly, perhaps, most common, to deceive, to annoy, to instigate, to envy, to betray.

and, if that's true, just how could this world get any worse?

"in its last hour, the world will be saved from itself by the Lord, our God."

...

...

...and we're still waiting.

so if what i've realized is true then, so it would seem, no one is coming for us. there's no greater salvation, or just maybe not yet.

it's up to us to save each other.

...even those we otherwise might let sink on their own.