holding on to the phone, holding on to this glass

the overwhelming sense of joy and re-dedication to good will are thick this time of year, and i suppose that's really a good thing.

and to most people that "thick" is in the very best sense.

to most people, it's the warm and comforting feeling they look back on fondly and remember from their childhood, that they admired in old black & white movies while sipping hot cocoa by the fire.

but, you see, i'm sort of the odd man out.

to me, it's thick enough to choke on.

and that's how i've found myself feeling these past few weeks.

while there are many things weighing heavily on my mind and spirit of late anyway and i could and, perhaps, should take said concerns and circumstances into account before generalizing, i stand by that feeling, that this holiday season has been particularly hard to enjoy.

one thing i've always found dishearteningly fake and annoyingly indulgent is the examination of every little thing in our lives, the notion that everything is connected and the thought that, should everything truly be connected and due, in any amount or relevance, to a greater plan or being, that it's somehow interesting to put on microscopes for glasses and read between the lines.

(a couple things should be noted here. regardless of how that last statement may have sounded, i do have strong christian faith and do, in fact, believe that there is a greater agenda for the general order of things.)

it's not that you're indulgent or that i find you disheartening if you believe in a higher purpose or interconnection, the sort of string-theory binding all of us as cohabitants on this strangely familiar world. it's that i find it indulgent to believe that the greatest purpose and absolute paramount agenda is for us all to be happy. it's indulging in the end result without putting in the work to get there.

and when i look around, honestly, that's just what i see these days.

i see people caring more about getting for themselves or asking others for the newest, most expensive jeans than replacing the holy, worn ones of someone less fortunate just a few miles down the road.

i see the families crowding the big-box stores and feeling entitled, owed that absolute lowest price and throwing tantrums when they're out or fighting over the last of any specific deal, of which, fiscally speaking, there are far too many.

i see the lifted, mud-flap-carrying trucks parked in handicap spots without placards and the drivers laughing it off as they key their alarm and head inside.

i look around this time of year and, quite simply, lose a little bit of faith in humanity.

and that's a pretty lonely stance to take, but it's mine.

you see, i'm not the nicest or best person and, truly, not even close. it's not that i'm any better or worse, just different. and it's those differences that make it hard for me this time of year and always have.

i find that i have no admiration for those who do good this time of year and let the remaining days and weeks and months slide, for i was raised to do good and be right and good and true in every step in the long walk of my life, to put others before myself every day, not just a select few each year.

it is with this closest of examinations that i have found within myself, perhaps, the greatest disconnect, that which has only grown over the years.

maybe it's me.

maybe it's my own unrealistic expectations and ideals that are suffocating me on the crowded city streets and in the flooded shopping lanes and lines.

and holding myself most accountable, judging myself by the absolute strictest rules, doesn't make it any better. even if i am my own harshest critic and strive every day to be the best i can be, i'll never be any better than those in which i have found disdain, disgust and distrust for breaking those very same rules i choose not to.

perhaps, casting my eyes upon you and yours is really, in the end, shining the most light on me.

for all of the attention i've paid this holiday season to the negativity and disappointing behavior all around, it seems i've missed some of the most beautiful, most self-less, most endearing moments of humanity in plain sight.

while focusing on the inconsiderate bastard parked in that handicap spot, perhaps i missed the college kids singing carols outside the store to raise money for a local charity.

while focusing on the crowds rushing by in shopping lanes and bumping me with their carts, however justified i may in fact be for getting put off by someone who looks and/or smells as if they haven't showered in months running their cart over my foot, perhaps i missed the little boy riding on his father's shoulders, excited to pick out that special gift for his mother.

while focusing on the fake small-talk we all are unfortunately subjected to, perhaps i've missed the sincerity in that person honestly concerned and putting their best efforts into caring for those around them.

i'm a hard person to reach when i've got my mask on, as those who know me well will agree, but it's because of one the rare people who somehow sees past it that i'm typing these words and, most importantly, reminding myself of this lesson. while words are just that and all that matters is whether they hold true and remain in sight, this realization in itself has not been taken lightly, nor will i ever forget it. for that, i thank you.

it's hard admitting you're wrong sometimes. but so much harder still to actually correct those wrongs. for now, i can only try.

i often wonder who set out these rules, who wrote the words for all the parts we used to play. and perhaps the concepts are simple enough to understand, but even the smartest of us are dumb sometimes.

"they make it look so easy, connecting to another human being. it's like no one ever told them it's the hardest thing in the world." and that's just how i've always felt.

but maybe, and perhaps hopefully, i'm wrong.

for lack of a proper title

There’s something to be said for providence.

Not the city or term in reference to wine and vintner authenticity, though the second definition is closer to my point.

But in the sense of the true value of something in reference to its original, and original meaning rightful, place as compared to the relative value of the same thing in other places or circumstances.

However simpler or greater the logistical benefits or losses elsewhere, the value of something is always greater in its rightful, fated place.

Since coming into the knowledge of this concept, I’ve made it my point to find the providence in my own life.

So much easier said than done.

Should I stay or should I go? Should I jump the gun and follow the paycheck or chase the dream and pay my dues?

These are the questions I’ve spent weeks asking myself. Answers plenty, but still I found myself unsure.

Who knew what would happen next?

It was another sunny afternoon and I was just walking to the sound of my favorite tune. Tomorrow never knows what it doesn’t know too soon.

Now I need a little time to wake up.

The providence, it seems, is to get back in touch with my roots before planting any of my own, get back to knowing myself and where I’ve come from before I run too fast, too far to remember. The providence in my life is in finally accepting the role I was born to play, if only characteristically for now.

So this one’s for you. Though we weren’t nearly as close as we could have or maybe should have been, you were always connected through connection. I came from her, she came from you.

Connection by connection.

Providence sighted, I’m on my way.

I’ll chase after my dreams and wherever I land, I know I’ll meet you again someday, somewhere along the way.

For now, rest in peace.

one last go

i'm closing my eyes and picturing what it is i really am picturing at this point, nothing.

i can stare into the deep void of apparently empty space filling the shadows inside my mind and almost disregard the truth, that there's just so much more to it.

and that's something i've always found most fascinating about the universe we've somehow come along in. the black void we see as empty space is actually anything but.

it's the dark matter we just can't see with our eyes.

the past few weeks have found me depressed in ways i can't describe but not because i haven't tried. though, perhaps i was trying in all the wrong ways.

i've spent considerable effort throwing off the possible, ignoring the potential, dismissing the predetermined. i've spent considerable effort focusing on the very cold, hard logistics of it all, accepting the reality that has become my life, somehow.

i can close my eyes and feel the webs spinning all around me. i can close my eyes and bask in the glow of the plans and hopes and dreams you've all had and tried to live through me. i can close my eyes and picture myself succeeding and then just do it.

but the potential, the possible, the predetermined, it's all every bit the charade as any apparent void i choose to accept instead.

there was a fork in the road and i took the other way.

who knows how long ago it happened or how or why. the perfect storm of circumstance came and left without us ever hearing the bang. what's left is this.

one last go.

i'm exhausted.

but, for now, i'm alive. i'm awake. and i'm on the move.

so throw your ears to the wall and listen for that shred of hope. back me and i'll give it one last go.

trust in me and i'll finish the fight.

just know it's not for me, but you.

i'll go until i stop.

i'll do it for you.

i'll do it on fumes.

friendship, forged through broken bones and tragedy

There was this moment when we first met and I can’t let it go. I just can’t let go. You’re standing there and so am I. We’re two people enjoying this perfect imperfect moment together but in completely different worlds. You’re young and beautiful and have this future ahead of you and I’m this jaded, lost soul adrift in a storm at sea and longing for shore. I’m floating but barely and the waves keep rushing over me and this endless barrage of wind and water and debris is crashing into me, crushing but keeping me alive somehow. This endless barrage of wind and water and debris that I see is nothing more than the circumstances surrounding me, all caused by bad decisions and provoked through months and years of insecurities and indiscretions and weakness. Then there’s this moment when I look up and the sun comes out with a smile on your face. And I just know I’m safe. But in the way that reminds me with each second that it could all fade at any second, the clouds come back, the wind picks up, the waves crash with the tide that tries to drown me. And I’m standing there waiting but tomorrow never comes. I’m just rescued. But I can’t help looking back. Once you’re in that storm, there’s no going back. You’re affected. And you effect. From that point, you spend the rest of your life pulling and pushing, fighting and hiding, living and dying. With every second, with each breath, you lose more and more of yourself. Before long, there isn’t much left. You’re alive and safe and have this wonderful future ahead but can’t get past the past and all the pain you’ve felt. You’re alive and safe but your own weaknesses prevent you from living. You’ve been saved but you’re still dying. And this is how it goes. It’s mostly all the same from that point forward. So how do you move on from that? Once you’ve been to the show, you’ve seen the strings. And it only gets harder to enjoy yourself over time. But not for lack of enthuse. But because you’re alone. And you know you are. You’ve felt that utter lack of completion, that end without anything right or good or true. And you just know you’re alone in that endless fucking ocean and lost in that storm. You know when leaves fall, if it means anything, it just means you’re dead. You know when snow falls it means your feet just flew over your head. It’s just Jamestown, 94-West and a forty hour train back to Penn. I can’t pretend I don’t feel the break but I feel the bend. I can’t fucking believe this joke has gotten out of hand. Get us to the hospital. So we can spill and share these quiet things that no one ever knows. There’s no set back that can set me back. The punch is wearing thin. So pull the pin and throw it back.

8.13.10

We saw the western coast. I saw the hospital and nursed the shoreline like a wound. The reports of lovers’ trysts were neither clear or descript. We kept it safe and slow. They’re the quiet things that no one ever knows. So keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. If today’s the day it gets tired then today’s the day we drop out. I gave up my body and bed all for an empty hotel. I’m just wasting words on lower cases and capitals. I contemplate the day we wed. Your friends are boring me to death and your veil is ruined in the rain. By then it’s you I could do without because there’s just nothing new to talk about. Even though our kids are blessed, their parents let them shoulder all the blame. So keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. If today’s the day it gets tired then today’s the gay we drop out. I gave up my body and bed all for an empty hotel. I’m just wasting words on lower cases and capitals. These are the quiet things that no one ever knows.

aces in their places

stress and pressure, they're funny things.

few people understand it the way a quarterback does.

let me explain.

two examples of this point are both quarterbacks in the nfl but they couldn't be more different. tom brady is a three-time superbowl champion and potentially the best quarterback in nfl history. and brodie croyle? he's with a kansas city chiefs backing up the former back-up for tom brady.

tom brady was drafted out of the university of michigan in the sixth round of the 2000 draft, 199th overall. coming out of college, he was the fourth-string quarterback for the new england patriots behind drew bledsoe and two other names you've never heard of. by the end of his rookie season, he only took three snaps under center and only completed one pass. but he earned the second-string spot. in his second year, two games into the season, bledsoe goes down hard with what gets discovered to be a collapsed lung and massive internal bleeding. brady steps in. and wins 11 of 14 games he starts that year. in his first playoff game, he throws 312 yards and overcomes a 10 point deficit in the 4th to win the game in overtime. he won the superbowl that year and was mvp, mostly due to a final drive to win the game without any timeouts left and roughly 60 yards in just about a minute of playing time. what happened throughout his career after that game is pretty common knowledge. the two additional superbowl wins, countless records shattered, supermodel wife, it's all there and you've heard it. but that final drive back in 2001 is what we're going to look at.

brodie croyle went to the university of alabama and was drafted in 2006 in the third round, 85th overall. coming out of college, he had some great expectations and loads of potential. in his senior year, he set the record for yards passing at alabama, won the cotton bowl and was co-mvp, and had one hell of a rocket for an arm. his rookie year in the nfl didn't have much playing time or action but he became the starter in his second year after damon huard went down. not much happened that year with the kansas city chiefs, in terms of winning. but the world learned a lot about brodie croyle in a similar situation to the one tom brady was in just six years before. no one expected croyle to do much with the fairly weak group around him but he had the pieces in place to at least put up some points. larry johnson in the backfield, a decent offensive line, dwayne bowe and sammie parker running receiver routes. he had some options. but in the second preseason game that year, he took two steps forward only to take three steps back minutes later.

tom brady had some options in the final drive of his first superbowl. he could run out the clock and put the game in the hands of his defensive teammates, who had held the "greatest show on turf" superbowl champion st. louis rams to only 17 points. he went the other way. before running out to the field, he went to his coach and said something great, "i want the ball. let's end this." in what could have been the first superbowl to go to overtime, one player decided to go all-in and win, not just play to not lose. the rest is history.

in brodie croyle's second year, in the second preseason game, he led the chiefs down the field with an impressive drive that led to a pretty epic touchdown pass. he had been competing with damon huard for the starting position all offseason and coach herm edwards challenged them both to "take the position" if they wanted it. this drive, croyle later said, was his response to his coach. but what happened next was key. on the following drive, with a chance to score and put the game away for a win, croyle dropped back from center. the same routes as before, dwayne bowe was wide open for the first down. even sammie parker was in coverage but ably open. croyle gets a little pressure as the pocket starts to collapse and rolls out to his left, somehow breaking a tackle and buying a couple extra seconds to scan the field. he rolls to his left and does a full 360 spin. at this point, sammie parker is open with the full field ahead of him empty and the endzone in sight. dwayne bowe has broken coverage and is easily a strong "checkdown" pass away for a first down. croyle has options and he's just broken two tackles and rolled out in the way you would have seen steve young do it years before. his next move? an impulsive throw immediately once out of the pocket that got intercepted. the game was over after an easy chip-shot field goal. he won and lost the game that day and on consecutive drives.

stress is a funny thing and few people understand it in the way quarterback does.

a cluster of three-hundred pound animals chasing you down, salivating at the chance to rip you apart, it's just something you don't get in the rest of the world.

tom brady and brodie croyle both saw it in those games. one performed. the other didn't.

it's the difference between running for your life, just dumping the ball off at the first opportunity and dropping back to a standstill, planting your feet, scanning the field, stepping into a pass, willing the ball where it needs to go. it's the difference between keeping your hand steady and letting it shake.

life is all about pressure, i think. it's all about how you handle it.

and i realized the other night, maybe for the first time, i'm getting older. and faster than i ever thought i would.

i'm at the point in my life where you start crossing things off the list, realizing there are things you'll just never get to do, men you'll just never get to become.

but i've got options.

and i just don't shake.

10 days later...which became 17...

there's a man i'll never get to know.

the man i was growing up to be.

he's the kind of guy you want to be around because he's just right.

even when he's wrong.

he's got the whole world ahead of him and all the opportunity in the world.

he's got the ambition to know what he wants and the drive to get there.

but he's also got the integrity to keep finding himself along the way.

i close my eyes and see him sometimes, though not as often as i used to. his absence is unbearable.

it makes me wonder what happens to all those hopes and dreams and ideals we find so easy to hold when we're still new and green.

i close and open my eyes and i'm there.

in a world where "jaded" is a thing of the past, we're all so much "happier."

billy's president. in fact, so is tommy. and mike. and jillian. there are three hundred twenty thousand presidents of the united states. the division of powers would be enough to choke on but the forty eight thousand constitutional lawyers and sixteen thousand executive branch secretaries and coordinators have it all under control.

we don't have to worry about health care because no one ever gets sick anymore. all our best scientists and doctors stopped working on the cures for hair loss and impotence and figured out the real shit. cancer's unheard of, unless you sign the "i'm a fucking idiot waiver" and choose to smoke. then you're fucked. and the baby-booming of the third world countries now not having to deal with disease is providing for a significant increase in a return to physical labor and manufacturing. but green, of course. always.

our schools and jails and welfare programs all realized that to reduce crime they'd have to work together in the same direction. schools have more community outreach for kids and get them more involved than ever before. jails teach inmates new skills and educate them at least through their GED, so they've got workplace skills and prospects. and welfare is limited and conditional. but it's all irrelevant now that there are only twenty two convicts left in the world, and only because they're stupid enough to steal cars in an age where alarms and gps are standard. recidivism is a bitch for those poor grand theft auto kids. crime is so low, in fact, that there's an emerging trend in which all locksmiths and lock manufacturers are getting laid off. it's troubling and something the thirty four thousand labor lawyers currently practicing will have to look into.

wal-mart went out of business two years ago and none of us noticed. with the global push for farmers markets and small business, the big chains are a thing of the past. farmers in nebraska earn as fair a living as lobstermen in maine. it's all subsidized and honest, fair trade.

the world's just so much better.

and we're all so much happier.

but not really.

i close my eyes and i miss the smog of la. it made me appreciate the beauty of this place.

i close my eyes and i miss the disgusting, fat-providing fast food on every street corner. it made me appreciate the independent cafes and creativity and ethics of great, rare restaurants.

i close my eyes and i miss the hilarity of impotence-pill commercials and hair loss creams. it made me appreciate how blessed i am to be young and healthy and virile.

i close my eyes and i miss the politics behind government. it made me appreciate the sometimes awkward, just kind of present balance between both sides of the aisle.

i close my eyes and i miss everything. the freedoms.

the freedom to rise. the freedom to fall.

the freedom to be right and good and true. the freedom to put yourself first and be right and good to and for you and what you want.

if everything's solved, what's left to fight for?

i open my eyes and i'm back in reality. i'm 24 years old. and i've got all the opportunity and promise ahead of me as i did when i was a kid. just a little less time to figure it out.

i'm alive and AWAKE and right. now.

and that's enough for me.