i'm sitting still and content.
but i've got my mind set on something.
i'm going through the motions.
then there's more.
i feel the spark.
i feel the fire.
i'm burning inside out.
"real life ain't no fairy tale." you have to fight for what you want.
that's something i've always known and followed, or not. but it's crazy how sometimes the greatest stands we take come on a whim. there's that noble image of teddy roosevelt charging up san juan hill that comes to mind, and a million others of strong-armed quarterbacks staring down defenses in the fourth for comeback wins, even the rocky saga, a scrappy italian guy from the wrong side of philly standing toe to toe with apollo creed and some crazy russian bastard.
but is it as noble if you stumble into it, just sort of fall in ass backwards?
that's what i've been wondering lately.
i get a lot of praise for writing this book and being so young. but it's not mine to take. this wasn't my fight.
everything that happened and everything i've done, it all just came together. the dreams and flashbacks and feelings in the story are "vivid" and "real" because they are vivid and real to me. the guilt and shame that breaks you down and the strength you find in people you love and faith in more, it's not fiction to me.
but how can i claim something i know isn't mine?
MAKEGOOD started on a whim and has mostly stayed the same.
i wish i could make some profound statement and testify to how the story was written to inspire people and manifest, if only in fiction, the adage that it's never too late to try. but i'm not that guy. and that's not this story.
there are people who deserve that sort of recognition. they've fought for it. they've earned it.
this girl comes to mind, a vague memory from my childhood but there. she was the sweetest kid growing up and all in when it came to school. we were never really close friends so when i moved to new england, we didn't keep in touch. she ended up at stanford, where i can only assume she kicked as much academic ass as she did when we were young. she's married now, i think, and very happy. a feel good story.
if she wrote a book on the power of faith and truth and love and how all of that guided her, how she ended up all right because of it, that's a triumph. that's something worth reading and praising.
a story about the harshest addictions and insecurity-fueled affairs and guilt and shame from it all, the truth and love and redemption and that ending that gives you hope for the future? it's just life.
don't praise me for making it out alive and making a few bucks along the way.
praise me for the life i make for myself and for those i love once this ride is over. praise me for my path but not until i've reached the end. wherever that is.
going to law school and becoming a prosecutor, opening a bar and steakhouse with my father, chucking it all away and living life on a perpetual hike of the apps and sierras, wherever i end up, praise me when i'm a man and standing with the sun in my eyes and a smile on my face.
Posts
